My new beginning

It was six years ago I committed myself to God.

I went to an evangelical church after growing up Catholic and He found me there.

For the next three years, God was a huge part of my life. He played a major role in me getting through really difficult things. It changed after having Abby, though.

I'm not sure if it's the cynical part of me that grew after becoming a parent (cynical in me understanding the unfairness of life when you see this beautiful, amazing child you know can and will be hurt by the world) or just the busyness and inability to sit down and "talk" with God, but I lost touch.

I berated myself for it. I became apathetic. Now I don't even know what I believe anymore.

I go back to church or listen to people speak about God and it just doesn't make sense to me. My perception of what God was supposed to be has always been that He is all-loving. So many things preached, however, don't fall in line with that.

I know we can't be all-accepting in that we placate those who commit real wrongs, but it just doesn't make sense to me that people who have good intentions in life are told by (supposedly good-meaning people) that they are going to hell.

That is only the tip of the iceberg, but it paints the picture.

Now, after all this time of being afraid that I'm not thinking or believing the right thing, I'm taking matters into my own hands. It's time for me to have a one-on-one with God.

I'm going to explore the Bible to find the answers to my questions.

It may not be the most efficient exploration effort considering I'm currently struggling to find time in my day to sit, but I have to do this for myself and (hopefully) for my relationship with God.

I find myself not only questioning the belief systems of others, but I question why I have the belief systems I do. I get angry hearing people say that we need to follow God and He will take care of us, but what about the millions of people who seemingly don't get taken care of?

I don't know that there is a cut-and-dry answer to these questions, but I want to find my best version of that. I'm truly sick of this members-only club some "religious" people have created in which they are saved and the rest are evil.

I don't know how long this will take, but I'm going to the Source to get my answer.

Stay tuned.