I like to think I have control. I always have. I know a lot of people live life this way, but I have done it to an extreme.
I may not have a lot of money, but if I feel like I have control over every cent I have, I feel comforted. For me, this is a result of unexpected hurts throughout my life. Being blindsided in a big way can create a ton of paranoia. In my case, that has manifested to me feeling extreme anxiety whenever I don't think I have control.
I add "think" to that equation because -- let's face it -- we never really have control over anything. All it takes is one unexpected circumstance to take away our illusion of control. The actions of another, health problems, job loss ... all of that can derail us.
God was in the control category for me. I allowed God to be an equation. X + Y = Z. Classic "works" religion. That worked for a very short time in which I'm sure I was extremely irritating and unlikable (more so than I already am). During that time period, I looked at whatever God told me to do and wanted to do it because that was part of the equation. If I put in what I was told to put in, the peace and control would be spit back out for me.
I think this is a big reason there is such mistreatment of others "in Jesus' name". Out of fear, "Christians" believe they need to do everything God commanded of them so they can feel superior and as though they have control. It's a scary mindset, in my opinion, and one that keeps a lot of people away from Jesus.
I was more than guilty of being this way. I allowed myself to feel superior because of my faith and because I ingested as much information on God as I possibly could. I guess I figured if I could be a God expert, I'd be set for life ... or at least I would take comfort in the control of knowing what to do.
The problem is, those derailing situations appear and throw you off-course. Something happens that doesn't fit into its proper box and everything we are basing our entire lives on can crumble in an instant.
Why are there so many crazy-defensive Christians? Because their lives are based in that feeling of control. Their lives are based on feeling superiority and comfort in "knowing" God and what is expected of them. Challenge God's existence or what they believe to be true of God and they will flip -- their livelihood and what they base their self-worth on is being challenged. Doesn't end well.
Recognizing this about myself is great, but it also changes things for me quite a bit. Studying Scripture has historically been a way I have felt powerful. If I study Scripture and know the Word of God, I'm good, right? I'm covered. I'm in control.
The problem would be that I could rationalize just about anything. God is love, but this Old Testament verse doesn't match up with that ... I could quickly find a new box to tuck that away in order to preserve my view of God.
Now I know I can't do that. Not only is that not the right thing to do, it doesn't work. Ultimately, that kind of faith doesn't stand up to the weathering of real life. We can't intellectualize God into our lives. We can't intellectually reason God into existence or out of existence. God is a matter of the heart.
I am still in the Book of Joshua and I'm reading chapters about his conquering of others.
Joshua 10:40 -- "So Joshua conquered all the land: the mountain country and the South and the low-land and the wilderness slopes, and all their kings; he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord God of Israel had commanded."
Joshua 11:6 -- "But the Lord said to Joshua, 'Do not be afraid because of them, for tomorrow about this time I will deliver all of them slain before Israel. You shall hamstring their horses and burn their chariots with fire.'"
Joshua 11:20 -- "For it was of the Lord to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that He might utterly destroy them, and that they might receive no mercy, but that He might destroy them, as the Lord had commanded Moses."
A violent, violent God. What do I do with this?
Historically, I would tuck these verses into a specific box, rationalizing that this was justified anger. I would get frustrated when people would point out this contradiction in the Bible because ... my Bible couldn't have any contradictions. My Bible was what I was basing my existence on. I couldn't allow it to have contradictions.
I don't believe I or anyone else has the grounds to call it a contradiction without reading the entire Bible and ingesting it, so I can't really speak on this at this time.
My true reactions, though, are what I probably should have written or recorded in the first place, instead of trying to come up with the correct answer and the correct box.
My true reactions:
1. I love that God gets mad. I love that God gets revenge. I do. I get angry. I want people to get what is coming to them. Disclaimer: I don't want to actually do anyone any harm. Please do not alert authorities.
2. I love that God is standing up for His people. He has loyalty. Loyalty is important to me.
That's all I've got right now. If anyone needs me, I'll be here ... navigating through Joshua's violent past ...
Saturday, July 13, 2013
Sunday, July 7, 2013
Back to (a) square one
I'm not quite sure how to start this.
It's been awhile since I've written or spent any alone time with God. Maybe that's been by design.
My cynicism toward God and religion has been a significant turning point. I feel like I'm starting at square one with God, but in actuality, it's just a new square one.
The start of my journey with God was one of extremes. Most of my journeys with anything are extreme. I am a very passionate person who jumps in with everything I have whenever I set my mind or heart on something.
I recognized awhile ago that my life with God was based on external circumstances and feelings of achievement. If I had time with God in the Bible and learned scripture, I felt holier. I knew things about God. I could quote scripture. I was informed. I felt powerful.
After having my daughter, I didn't have time for that. Sleep became more valuable. My God-life fell away. Looking back, I see that it was a life filled with rituals, judgment and piousness. Still, God was with me. It was a square one. Even that wasn't the first square one, but it was a significant one. I made lifelong friendships, learned that God loves me and gained an understanding of forgiveness. It laid a foundation for the new square one I'm on now.
One thing I heard time and time again in my study time with God is that He only gives us what we're ready for. When we first embrace a life with God, we want to be perfect right out of the gate. And many of us convince ourselves that we are perfect. Through these rituals we perform, these "proper" viewpoints we have, we believe we are perfect ... "in God". At least that's what we claim. Deep down, we feel smug.
After my rituals fell off, I went in the opposite direction. I developed cynicism and anger toward anyone who felt that way. The "religious" bothered me. Events I used to enjoy because they basked in the glory of God and His goodness turned me off. People who wanted to "fix" others put me into a rage. This really wasn't healthy, either.
That journey (a six-year-long journey, mind you) has brought me here. Where God is humbling me. He's showing me my faults. Showing me that I've placed my self-worth in achievements and titles and rituals. Showing me I've been playing God ... trying to take His job.
This behavior only results in anger, bitterness and sadness. It is not who I want to be.
The truth is, I've tried to achieve my own self-worth. The problem with that, though, is that self-achieved self-worth always falls into the hands of others. Try it. Anything you attempt to achieve for yourself to garner self-worth is based on the acceptance of others.
The same is true of finding self-worth in Christ, only that won't fail. At least that's what I'm told.
I'm recognizing that I need to surrender to that and see where it takes me. I'm finally to a point where I've stopped swimming upstream long enough for God's current to take me to a place He needs me to be in order to grow.
I'm going to surrender and hope I don't get in my own way. I mean, I know I will. But I hope I give in enough so God can do His work. Because I'm so tired of trying to play God. It really is exhausting.
It's been awhile since I've written or spent any alone time with God. Maybe that's been by design.
My cynicism toward God and religion has been a significant turning point. I feel like I'm starting at square one with God, but in actuality, it's just a new square one.
The start of my journey with God was one of extremes. Most of my journeys with anything are extreme. I am a very passionate person who jumps in with everything I have whenever I set my mind or heart on something.
I recognized awhile ago that my life with God was based on external circumstances and feelings of achievement. If I had time with God in the Bible and learned scripture, I felt holier. I knew things about God. I could quote scripture. I was informed. I felt powerful.
After having my daughter, I didn't have time for that. Sleep became more valuable. My God-life fell away. Looking back, I see that it was a life filled with rituals, judgment and piousness. Still, God was with me. It was a square one. Even that wasn't the first square one, but it was a significant one. I made lifelong friendships, learned that God loves me and gained an understanding of forgiveness. It laid a foundation for the new square one I'm on now.
One thing I heard time and time again in my study time with God is that He only gives us what we're ready for. When we first embrace a life with God, we want to be perfect right out of the gate. And many of us convince ourselves that we are perfect. Through these rituals we perform, these "proper" viewpoints we have, we believe we are perfect ... "in God". At least that's what we claim. Deep down, we feel smug.
After my rituals fell off, I went in the opposite direction. I developed cynicism and anger toward anyone who felt that way. The "religious" bothered me. Events I used to enjoy because they basked in the glory of God and His goodness turned me off. People who wanted to "fix" others put me into a rage. This really wasn't healthy, either.
That journey (a six-year-long journey, mind you) has brought me here. Where God is humbling me. He's showing me my faults. Showing me that I've placed my self-worth in achievements and titles and rituals. Showing me I've been playing God ... trying to take His job.
This behavior only results in anger, bitterness and sadness. It is not who I want to be.
The truth is, I've tried to achieve my own self-worth. The problem with that, though, is that self-achieved self-worth always falls into the hands of others. Try it. Anything you attempt to achieve for yourself to garner self-worth is based on the acceptance of others.
The same is true of finding self-worth in Christ, only that won't fail. At least that's what I'm told.
I'm recognizing that I need to surrender to that and see where it takes me. I'm finally to a point where I've stopped swimming upstream long enough for God's current to take me to a place He needs me to be in order to grow.
I'm going to surrender and hope I don't get in my own way. I mean, I know I will. But I hope I give in enough so God can do His work. Because I'm so tired of trying to play God. It really is exhausting.
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