I like to think I have control. I always have. I know a lot of people live life this way, but I have done it to an extreme.
I may not have a lot of money, but if I feel like I have control over every cent I have, I feel comforted. For me, this is a result of unexpected hurts throughout my life. Being blindsided in a big way can create a ton of paranoia. In my case, that has manifested to me feeling extreme anxiety whenever I don't think I have control.
I add "think" to that equation because -- let's face it -- we never really have control over anything. All it takes is one unexpected circumstance to take away our illusion of control. The actions of another, health problems, job loss ... all of that can derail us.
God was in the control category for me. I allowed God to be an equation. X + Y = Z. Classic "works" religion. That worked for a very short time in which I'm sure I was extremely irritating and unlikable (more so than I already am). During that time period, I looked at whatever God told me to do and wanted to do it because that was part of the equation. If I put in what I was told to put in, the peace and control would be spit back out for me.
I think this is a big reason there is such mistreatment of others "in Jesus' name". Out of fear, "Christians" believe they need to do everything God commanded of them so they can feel superior and as though they have control. It's a scary mindset, in my opinion, and one that keeps a lot of people away from Jesus.
I was more than guilty of being this way. I allowed myself to feel superior because of my faith and because I ingested as much information on God as I possibly could. I guess I figured if I could be a God expert, I'd be set for life ... or at least I would take comfort in the control of knowing what to do.
The problem is, those derailing situations appear and throw you off-course. Something happens that doesn't fit into its proper box and everything we are basing our entire lives on can crumble in an instant.
Why are there so many crazy-defensive Christians? Because their lives are based in that feeling of control. Their lives are based on feeling superiority and comfort in "knowing" God and what is expected of them. Challenge God's existence or what they believe to be true of God and they will flip -- their livelihood and what they base their self-worth on is being challenged. Doesn't end well.
Recognizing this about myself is great, but it also changes things for me quite a bit. Studying Scripture has historically been a way I have felt powerful. If I study Scripture and know the Word of God, I'm good, right? I'm covered. I'm in control.
The problem would be that I could rationalize just about anything. God is love, but this Old Testament verse doesn't match up with that ... I could quickly find a new box to tuck that away in order to preserve my view of God.
Now I know I can't do that. Not only is that not the right thing to do, it doesn't work. Ultimately, that kind of faith doesn't stand up to the weathering of real life. We can't intellectualize God into our lives. We can't intellectually reason God into existence or out of existence. God is a matter of the heart.
I am still in the Book of Joshua and I'm reading chapters about his conquering of others.
Joshua 10:40 -- "So Joshua conquered all the land: the mountain country and the South and the low-land and the wilderness slopes, and all their kings; he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord God of Israel had commanded."
Joshua 11:6 -- "But the Lord said to Joshua, 'Do not be afraid because of them, for tomorrow about this time I will deliver all of them slain before Israel. You shall hamstring their horses and burn their chariots with fire.'"
Joshua 11:20 -- "For it was of the Lord to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that He might utterly destroy them, and that they might receive no mercy, but that He might destroy them, as the Lord had commanded Moses."
A violent, violent God. What do I do with this?
Historically, I would tuck these verses into a specific box, rationalizing that this was justified anger. I would get frustrated when people would point out this contradiction in the Bible because ... my Bible couldn't have any contradictions. My Bible was what I was basing my existence on. I couldn't allow it to have contradictions.
I don't believe I or anyone else has the grounds to call it a contradiction without reading the entire Bible and ingesting it, so I can't really speak on this at this time.
My true reactions, though, are what I probably should have written or recorded in the first place, instead of trying to come up with the correct answer and the correct box.
My true reactions:
1. I love that God gets mad. I love that God gets revenge. I do. I get angry. I want people to get what is coming to them. Disclaimer: I don't want to actually do anyone any harm. Please do not alert authorities.
2. I love that God is standing up for His people. He has loyalty. Loyalty is important to me.
That's all I've got right now. If anyone needs me, I'll be here ... navigating through Joshua's violent past ...
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