Back to (a) square one

I'm not quite sure how to start this.

It's been awhile since I've written or spent any alone time with God. Maybe that's been by design.

My cynicism toward God and religion has been a significant turning point. I feel like I'm starting at square one with God, but in actuality, it's just a new square one.

The start of my journey with God was one of extremes. Most of my journeys with anything are extreme. I am a very passionate person who jumps in with everything I have whenever I set my mind or heart on something.

I recognized awhile ago that my life with God was based on external circumstances and feelings of achievement. If I had time with God in the Bible and learned scripture, I felt holier. I knew things about God. I could quote scripture. I was informed. I felt powerful.

After having my daughter, I didn't have time for that. Sleep became more valuable. My God-life fell away. Looking back, I see that it was a life filled with rituals, judgment and piousness. Still, God was with me. It was a square one. Even that wasn't the first square one, but it was a significant one. I made lifelong friendships, learned that God loves me and gained an understanding of forgiveness. It laid a foundation for the new square one I'm on now.

One thing I heard time and time again in my study time with God is that He only gives us what we're ready for. When we first embrace a life with God, we want to be perfect right out of the gate. And many of us convince ourselves that we are perfect. Through these rituals we perform, these "proper" viewpoints we have, we believe we are perfect ... "in God". At least that's what we claim. Deep down, we feel smug.

After my rituals fell off, I went in the opposite direction. I developed cynicism and anger toward anyone who felt that way. The "religious" bothered me. Events I used to enjoy because they basked in the glory of God and His goodness turned me off. People who wanted to "fix" others put me into a rage. This really wasn't healthy, either.

That journey (a six-year-long journey, mind you) has brought me here. Where God is humbling me. He's showing me my faults. Showing me that I've placed my self-worth in achievements and titles and rituals. Showing me I've been playing God ... trying to take His job.

This behavior only results in anger, bitterness and sadness. It is not who I want to be.

The truth is, I've tried to achieve my own self-worth. The problem with that, though, is that self-achieved self-worth always falls into the hands of others. Try it. Anything you attempt to achieve for yourself to garner self-worth is based on the acceptance of others.

The same is true of finding self-worth in Christ, only that won't fail. At least that's what I'm told.

I'm recognizing that I need to surrender to that and see where it takes me. I'm finally to a point where I've stopped swimming upstream long enough for God's current to take me to a place He needs me to be in order to grow.

I'm going to surrender and hope I don't get in my own way. I mean, I know I will. But I hope I give in enough so God can do His work. Because I'm so tired of trying to play God. It really is exhausting.