Tucking things neatly away in the proper box

I like to think I have control. I always have. I know a lot of people live life this way, but I have done it to an extreme.

I may not have a lot of money, but if I feel like I have control over every cent I have, I feel comforted. For me, this is a result of unexpected hurts throughout my life. Being blindsided in a big way can create a ton of paranoia. In my case, that has manifested to me feeling extreme anxiety whenever I don't think I have control.

I add "think" to that equation because -- let's face it -- we never really have control over anything. All it takes is one unexpected circumstance to take away our illusion of control. The actions of another, health problems, job loss ... all of that can derail us.

God was in the control category for me. I allowed God to be an equation. X + Y = Z. Classic "works" religion. That worked for a very short time in which I'm sure I was extremely irritating and unlikable (more so than I already am). During that time period, I looked at whatever God told me to do and wanted to do it because that was part of the equation. If I put in what I was told to put in, the peace and control would be spit back out for me.

I think this is a big reason there is such mistreatment of others "in Jesus' name". Out of fear, "Christians" believe they need to do everything God commanded of them so they can feel superior and as though they have control. It's a scary mindset, in my opinion, and one that keeps a lot of people away from Jesus.

I was more than guilty of being this way. I allowed myself to feel superior because of my faith and because I ingested as much information on God as I possibly could. I guess I figured if I could be a God expert, I'd be set for life ... or at least I would take comfort in the control of knowing what to do.

The problem is, those derailing situations appear and throw you off-course. Something happens that doesn't fit into its proper box and everything we are basing our entire lives on can crumble in an instant.

Why are there so many crazy-defensive Christians? Because their lives are based in that feeling of control. Their lives are based on feeling superiority and comfort in "knowing" God and what is expected of them. Challenge God's existence or what they believe to be true of God and they will flip -- their livelihood and what they base their self-worth on is being challenged. Doesn't end well.

Recognizing this about myself is great, but it also changes things for me quite a bit. Studying Scripture has historically been a way I have felt powerful. If I study Scripture and know the Word of God, I'm good, right? I'm covered. I'm in control.

The problem would be that I could rationalize just about anything. God is love, but this Old Testament verse doesn't match up with that ... I could quickly find a new box to tuck that away in order to preserve my view of God. 

Now I know I can't do that. Not only is that not the right thing to do, it doesn't work. Ultimately, that kind of faith doesn't stand up to the weathering of real life. We can't intellectualize God into our lives. We can't intellectually reason God into existence or out of existence. God is a matter of the heart.

I am still in the Book of Joshua and I'm reading chapters about his conquering of others.

Joshua 10:40 -- "So Joshua conquered all the land: the mountain country and the South and the low-land and the wilderness slopes, and all their kings; he left none remaining, but utterly destroyed all that breathed, as the Lord God of Israel had commanded."

Joshua 11:6 -- "But the Lord said to Joshua, 'Do not be afraid because of them, for tomorrow about this time I will deliver all of them slain before Israel. You shall hamstring their horses and burn their chariots with fire.'"

Joshua 11:20 -- "For it was of the Lord to harden their hearts, that they should come against Israel in battle, that He might utterly destroy them, and that they might receive no mercy, but that He might destroy them, as the Lord had commanded Moses."

A violent, violent God. What do I do with this?

Historically, I would tuck these verses into a specific box, rationalizing that this was justified anger. I would get frustrated when people would point out this contradiction in the Bible because ... my Bible couldn't have any contradictions. My Bible was what I was basing my existence on. I couldn't allow it to have contradictions.

I don't believe I or anyone else has the grounds to call it a contradiction without reading the entire Bible and ingesting it, so I can't really speak on this at this time.

My true reactions, though, are what I probably should have written or recorded in the first place, instead of trying to come up with the correct answer and the correct box.

My true reactions:

1. I love that God gets mad. I love that God gets revenge. I do. I get angry. I want people to get what is coming to them. Disclaimer: I don't want to actually do anyone any harm. Please do not alert authorities.

2. I love that God is standing up for His people. He has loyalty. Loyalty is important to me.

That's all I've got right now. If anyone needs me, I'll be here ... navigating through Joshua's violent past ...

Back to (a) square one

I'm not quite sure how to start this.

It's been awhile since I've written or spent any alone time with God. Maybe that's been by design.

My cynicism toward God and religion has been a significant turning point. I feel like I'm starting at square one with God, but in actuality, it's just a new square one.

The start of my journey with God was one of extremes. Most of my journeys with anything are extreme. I am a very passionate person who jumps in with everything I have whenever I set my mind or heart on something.

I recognized awhile ago that my life with God was based on external circumstances and feelings of achievement. If I had time with God in the Bible and learned scripture, I felt holier. I knew things about God. I could quote scripture. I was informed. I felt powerful.

After having my daughter, I didn't have time for that. Sleep became more valuable. My God-life fell away. Looking back, I see that it was a life filled with rituals, judgment and piousness. Still, God was with me. It was a square one. Even that wasn't the first square one, but it was a significant one. I made lifelong friendships, learned that God loves me and gained an understanding of forgiveness. It laid a foundation for the new square one I'm on now.

One thing I heard time and time again in my study time with God is that He only gives us what we're ready for. When we first embrace a life with God, we want to be perfect right out of the gate. And many of us convince ourselves that we are perfect. Through these rituals we perform, these "proper" viewpoints we have, we believe we are perfect ... "in God". At least that's what we claim. Deep down, we feel smug.

After my rituals fell off, I went in the opposite direction. I developed cynicism and anger toward anyone who felt that way. The "religious" bothered me. Events I used to enjoy because they basked in the glory of God and His goodness turned me off. People who wanted to "fix" others put me into a rage. This really wasn't healthy, either.

That journey (a six-year-long journey, mind you) has brought me here. Where God is humbling me. He's showing me my faults. Showing me that I've placed my self-worth in achievements and titles and rituals. Showing me I've been playing God ... trying to take His job.

This behavior only results in anger, bitterness and sadness. It is not who I want to be.

The truth is, I've tried to achieve my own self-worth. The problem with that, though, is that self-achieved self-worth always falls into the hands of others. Try it. Anything you attempt to achieve for yourself to garner self-worth is based on the acceptance of others.

The same is true of finding self-worth in Christ, only that won't fail. At least that's what I'm told.

I'm recognizing that I need to surrender to that and see where it takes me. I'm finally to a point where I've stopped swimming upstream long enough for God's current to take me to a place He needs me to be in order to grow.

I'm going to surrender and hope I don't get in my own way. I mean, I know I will. But I hope I give in enough so God can do His work. Because I'm so tired of trying to play God. It really is exhausting.

Turning to God

Regardless of the number of Bible verses I have read or talks I have listened to, the greatest witness for God's existence has always been my own personal experience.

It is good to be reminded of that in the midst of this journey I am taking.

It isn't that God has delivered me from certain things. In all honesty, I wouldn't point to things or answered prayers as evidence of God's existence. It's God's comfort. His presence. My knee-jerk reaction to go to Him in times of difficulty.

There is an outstanding video piece by Rob Bell entitled "Rain". He acts out the metaphor of going for a walk with his infant son and it beginning to rain. As he walks back home through the rain, he shields his son from the elements. While this may be uncomfortable for his son, Rob Bell says it is one of his most cherished memories. He was close with his son. He was protecting him. It's something he would never want to give back.

Since having my own children, I understand what Rob Bell was saying. Despite the hurts my kids may experience, I wouldn't give back the times I have held them after a hurt. The times I had the privilege of being their comfort and their rock.

In recent years, I have come to believe that God feels the same way. It is preached in church that believers have to stop going to God as a "genie in the bottle", but I think there is more to it than that when it comes to going to Him in the bad times.

We may be closer to God in the bad times, but that is what He wants. That is what He is there for. I am looking forward to experiencing the good times with my kids, but I know my key role is to step in when there are rough times. That is one of the big reasons I'm here for them.

I see the difficult times I am experiencing now as evidence to God's existence in the midst of my "Big Question". I have always seen a tangible change in myself when I embrace God. When I seek Him out.

I have never watched "The Lord of the Rings" the entire way through, but I have seen enough of the first movie to put together the metaphor that spending time with God is like taking off the ring. I have experienced that in my life. It's like a fog lifts. That is evidence to my "Big Question".

As I struggle right now, I think to Joseph. I would like to look at other areas of the Bible, but I want to understand the story inside and out and I have read through to the first part of Joshua.

I know the story of Joseph and what God is telling us through that story.

Joseph was a favorite. He was beloved by his father, creating jealousy amongst his brothers. They got rid of him, selling him into slavery. Obviously, this was wrong.

There is another element of that story, though. Joseph was quite arrogant. Something I understand at the ripe age of 31. Some of us don't quite master humility or -- at the very least -- what allows us to be defiant and strong gets in the way of humility.

At any rate, it was a two-way problem with Joseph's brothers being mostly in the wrong.

Ultimately, Joseph went through a significant number of experiences that were flat-out not fair. There is really no other way to put it. Sold into slavery and then accused of propositioning the king's wife. Jailed.

This is typically a story told in an uplifting way about how God never leaves us. We envision Joseph whistling a happy tune in prison, just happy to be alive. While listening to this sermon in church, we probably think, "Way to go, Joseph! I would do the same!" But let's get real, here. We would not do the same. I certainly am living proof of not doing the same.

I opened my Bible today scouring the pages for evidence of God punishing my enemies. All I found were words about loving my enemies. Right.

The only anger toward enemies I found was in Pslams -- a prayer from David.

Psalm 143:9-12: Rescue me from my enemies, Lord, for I hide myself in you. Teach me to do your will, for you are my God; may your good Spirit lead me on level ground. For your name’s sake, Lord, preserve my life; in your righteousness, bring me out of trouble. In your unfailing love, silence my enemies; destroy all my foes, for I am your servant.

To me, evidence to God's existence and the power of His word is that this comforts me. Seeing these in the Bible comforts me.

I see that David prayed the same prayers I am praying right now and I take solace in the fact that He is here with me. In moments like these, I don't question His existence, I simply revel in it.

I don't know if these moments will continue to build upon one another so that my faith is stronger in times of joy or if I will fade back into a wishy-washy view of God.

The only way to find out is to keep going. For now, though, I will let Him carry me through the rain.

Forgiveness? I don't get it

Well, this won't be the most uplifting entry -- I'll start with that.

Joshua 6 and 7. God tells Joshua to lead the people to the destruction of Jericho. They have to walk in a circle seven times or something like that and then everything goes to hell in a handbasket (probably literally).

Prior to this attack (which seems senseless in itself), God told Joshua that no one would take anything from the city because it would be considered a sacrifice to Him.

Well, one guy didn't care too much what God wanted and took a few things.

God was ticked off.

The Israelites well out-manned those in the city of Ai, but they lost anyway because God wasn't with them. Ultimately, God told Joshua to find the guy who stole the items and destroy him and everything related to him (family, possessions, you name it) to re-earn favor with God.

Joshua asked the person who stole the items to come forward.

Joshua 7:20-21: "And Achan answered Joshua and said, 'Indeed I have sinned against the Lord God or Israel and this is what I have done: When I saw among the spoils a beautiful Babylonian garment, two hundred shekels of silver, and a wedge of gold weighing fifty shekels, I coveted them and took them. And there they are, hidden in the earth in the midst of my tent, with silver under it.'"

So, at this point I'm thinking, "Okay. He confessed. God will forgive and it will make sense in my mind."

Yeah, that didn't happen.

Instead, all the people stoned him and his entire family and then burned them. Oh, and the passage really drives the point home that they were stoned ... with stones.

Joshua 7:25: "So all Israel stoned him with stones; and they burned them with fire after they had stoned them with stones."

So what you're saying is ... they stoned them? With stones?

I'm honestly not sure why this exchange bothers me because -- to me -- the natural thing to do is punish for wrongdoing. I have actually had to adjust my thinking to grasp the concept of forgiveness.

I think it bothers me because it creates conflict in what people preach.

What my gut wants to do with this story, though, is dumb it down to practicality.

First, did this event really happen? Did these people truly exist, or is this story a fable -- or example -- to teach us?

Whether it is a fable or just God acting this way to teach others and teach us, this is telling us that our actions will have real repercussions.

1. If we sin against God, He will not support us the way He would if we did not sin. The people of Israel were not protected in their invasion of Ai because Achan stole from God.

2. We will be punished for our wrongdoing ... if not by God, by those around us. Achan's sin affected everyone around Him. It affected his group because they did not have God's favor when they invaded Ai. As a result, his peers turned against him.

3. Our sin hurts those closest to us the most. Achan's sin affected his family the most ... they all died along with him. I think part of what bothered me about this story is that God ordered the people to punish the entire family. But if this truly is a fable (or even if it isn't, I guess), isn't it representative of what happens with sin? My sin most affects my immediate family, regardless of it having anything to do with them directly. Whether it affects my mood, my job, my health ... it affects them.

As far as my overall question, I think this goes against the I-can-do-all-things-through-God theory ... which bothers me in general.

God is not a warm, fuzzy, talk-to-me-and-I'll-give-it-to-you being. At least not from my perspective.

He is like a true parent. We need to learn our lessons sometimes. I suppose the issue is why God had to go to such lengths to punish this guy and his family.

The False Commandments

Having finished up Deuteronomy last night, I dug right in to Joshua (and somehow considered this pleasurable reading).

I read the first two chapters, covering the story of Rahab.

Rahab was a prostitute in Jericho, who was approached by two men to hide out as they observed the new land God had promised them.

Rahab hid the men and lied to authorities, saying that she saw them, but didn't let them in.

Aha! I thought. Lying! In the name of God!

I was all ready to document my evidence. I quickly turned back to the Ten Commandments to properly cite my Bible contradiction.

But, to my surprise, I found that lying is not cited in the Ten Commandments.

Now, I've read this chapter in the Bible and even have it highlighted (It is Exodus 20, by the way). But culture and religion have so shaped my view of what is "right" and "wrong" in God's eyes that I just assume that lying is in there.

In a Bible study I used to take part in, actually, it was debated whether having a surprise birthday party (therefore lying to the guest of honor) was against God's Word. In my mind, it was common sense that God was all for good fun. Come to find out, His Word even reflects that.

God's Ten Commandments (simplified):

1. God is No. 1 (no other gods)
2. No false gods (a play off No. 1 ... showing God's need for exclusivity in our lives)
3. Don't take the Lord's name in vain
4. Rest on the seventh day (how many of us violate this commandment weekly?)
5. Honor our parents
6. Don't murder
7. Don't cheat
8. Don't steal
9. Don't accuse someone of something they didn't do
10. Don't lust after things that aren't yours

Hmm. "Little white lies" aren't listed.

After making that discovery, I took note of other things that aren't on the list.

Not part of God's Ten Commandments:

1. Don't drink
2. Don't do drugs
3. Don't live with someone you aren't married to
4. Don't be homosexual
5. Don't date outside your race
6. Don't watch violent movies
7. Don't have sex outside of marriage
8. Don't live an elaborate lifestyle
9. Don't get divorced

The list goes on and on. My point is that - while God advises on all of the nine non-Commandments listed above, they are not part of the Big Ten (not to be confused with the NCAA conference).

Disclaimer: I understand that things on the list could easily lead to violation of a commandment. For example, one could drink and then drive, resulting in a crash that kills someone. That could fall under murder.

But the point is, we have made commandments out of so many things that God did not command us to do (or not do). He has advised us on every single thing above. I see it as parenting. What would be ideal for each of us?

The ideal is very rarely (if at all) lived out, though. God loves us where we are, regardless of where we are and how we end up.

I fall back on:

Matthew 22:35-41 (NIV) - One of them, an expert in the law, tested him with this question: "Teacher, which is the greatest commandment in the Law?"

Jesus replied: "'Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first and greatest commandment. And the second is like it: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' All the Law and the Prophets hang on these two commandments."

The greatest commandment is love.

This is why I often question the "narrow path that leads to Jesus". What about those who haven't claimed Christ because they are being condemned "in Jesus' name"? And what about those doing the condemning?

Which person is the greater sinner?

I would wager that many "non-Christians" are living out God's plan of showing love in greater ways than those who claim Christ.

Which person is "saved"?

Moses. The punishment.

My eyes were opened to an entirely new culture when I began Bible study groups.

I used to have no idea what was written within the pages of the Bible other than (what I thought at the time) was the fact that I was surely not going to Heaven.

Now I can attest to having actually been involved in conversations that included statements such as, "I can't believe Moses wasn't allowed into the Promised Land!" the same way I've heard, "How was he not a unanimous All-Pro selection?"

Well, tonight I actually read the final words God spoke through Moses with the conclusion he would not be entering the Promised Land.

How does this relate to my "Big Question"?

It poses the question of why God had to be so harsh and whether He is so harsh today. Moses was definitely a faithful servant. He led a bunch of whiners (aka common people) for 40 years. That would drive anyone crazy.

His mistake happened in the face of that craziness, in fact.

Moses had reached the end of his rope.

After the 5,000th ungrateful, whining statement by the Israelites, he snapped. God had told him to "speak to the rock" to bring forth water. Well, in the midst of his frustration, Moses hit that rock twice with the rod he carried.

God was not pleased. He condemned Moses to never entering the Promised Land he had been leading the Israelites to. But even though Moses wasn't to enter, he would continue leading. What the heck?

I can truly attest to losing my cool with my kids at least 5-10 times last week. If I were to be punished so harshly for that all the time, I wouldn't have much left.

So, it results in confusion for me.

My intellectual self looks at the situation and thinks, "Well, Moses was a man to whom much was given. Therefore, he is punished harshly. He didn't give God the glory - one of God's major pet peeves - which resulted in a harsh punishment. There."

My emotional self isn't quite sure what the think. There are so many layers to the Moses-God relationship that I wouldn't know where to begin in terms of analyzing it ... and there are so many unknowns.

But one thing I absolutely love about the Old Testament is the nuances that jump out when you really dig into it.

Looking at my intellectual analysis, Moses was, in fact, the greatest prophet who ever lived.

But even the greatest prophet who ever lived was told it wasn't his responsibility to judge and condemn others.

Moses saw an Egyptian beating a Hebrew, one of his people. He took it upon himself to kill and hide the Egyptian - executing right and wrong at his own hand.

Ultimately, he was condemned for it and he had to flee.

This is specifically placed at the beginning of Moses' story. He wasn't to execute right and wrong at his own hand. Perhaps that's something that is steering so many people wrong in this day and age.

Those who are considered today's prophets are condemning others at their own hand. I think it's safe to say that us "common" people are like sheep when it comes to a lot of things. We are swept up by culture and many aren't paying a lot of focused attention on God.

As it pertains to my "Big Question", I am not going to say this passage speaks to anything other than those highly regarded by God not specifically condemning others.

I don't believe it is the job of anyone to declare someone unworthy of Heaven or God's love or anything of the like, but those in power have an even greater duty to abide by this.

While this fits into the puzzle of the answers I am seeking, I have to make sure I don't try to draw too much from a single excerpt.

For now, though, I will say that leaving condemnation to God is a must for Christ-followers. We can't allow ourselves to believe that it is our duty to punish anyone - that is God's job, and we must leave it to Him.

The opposite of love is not hate ... it's apathy

I started this project opening up my Chronological Study Bible (the one I did devotions with prior to having kids) where I left off. I ended up reading Deuteronomy 31 and 32.

God is mad. These people are worshiping false idols and He is going to hide His face from them so they will feel the repercussions of their actions.

I don't need to dig deep into the Scripture, but the chapters sparked a question within me: If the opposite of love is apathy - not hate - don't those who struggle with a relationship with God due to anger still have a tie with Him?

Think about it.

I may have an incredibly dysfunctional relationship with a friend of mine and loathe the ground she walks on, but that loathing is rooted in caring about that friend. If I didn't care at all, I wouldn't loathe her, I would just be indifferent regarding her. I would move on with my life and never think of her again.

Does that say something about God's relationship with us?

To those struggling with the idea of God or flat-out hating God for one reason or another: are they simply in a relationship with God that has "hit a rough patch"? Are those people and God "on a break"?

I say this in jest because I have no idea and I don't claim to have any idea (oddly enough, one of the few areas of my life I don't claim to know everything).

I think the key with those of us here on Earth is drawing the line in the sand. I highly doubt anyone would say that all people on Earth should go to Heaven. With all of the evil and corruption in the world, I personally am glad God has a mean streak.

But where is that line drawn between those who are "good" and those who are "bad"? I really don't know. I know what is preached is that people have to commit their lives to Jesus. Okay. I get that. But how do we know what that looks like?

Point is that perhaps those who don't want to admit they care about Jesus at all (think a scorned lover not wanting to admit she still cares what her ex-boyfriend thinks) actually care a lot about what He thinks.

And, if that is the case, they may actually be in a relationship with Jesus whether they realize it or not.